Posthumous

The title has been copied from Kushwanth Singh. No regerets though! everyone dies, its natural! so I think I can use this title.

I do not know if anyone has even faced the customary death ceremonies but I can vouch that its worse than death itself. I am a South Indian Brahmin, a Telugu Brahmin female who is stuck in eternity (if that exists!) torn apart between rituals and individuality. Society says, I am supposed to follow these but my lil brain says NO, its a goddamn waste of money and reosurces and time! Now, I hope none of the elders read this blog. I am not afraid of them , just that I dont want to hurt their feelings.

Just today, one of my grandmothers passed away. If you have seen the big south indian families, I think you will understand the term "one of the grandmothers". They are numerous. Your Mom's sister's husband's cousin's sister-in-law's brother's wife's mom! I never understood these even thought Brilliant Tutorials taught me solving these puzzles for two looooooooooong year! ;) And since I am the only daughter of the family who stays in Hyderabad, rest all being in either faraway countries or faraway towns, happily married and faraway from all these functions too, My mom called me (she stays faraway too!) at work when I was planning an important meeting and said, in an fearful tone (she knows I get angry when I am the only one who has to go :( ) Beta, her son is a very good person, he helped me when i was 5 years old in my homework, please go beta! They will feel good! " What THE HELL?? Poor Mom, very emotional, very sentimental etc etc. She never asks me to do anything. I said Okay! Lets see, Vanastahlipuram, hmm, about 20 kms from work...I will borrow someone's bike and go and come back to the meeting. So, I stopped all my work in between and drove all the way. with 3 traffic jams (1. coz of school exams and in turn school buses; 2. Coz of a stupid opening of a shopping mall by some stupid actress and the roads being blocked by stupid people who tried to steal a glimpse of their scorching screen seductress; 3. One more major traffic jam at an eminent Xrds due to an agitation by seemingly innocent students and all the 4 roads being blocked for about 3 kms in the range) , by the time I reached the place, after a 2 hour tiring journey, my meeting had already gone to the dogs (no pun intended)

Like I said, a big south indian family, people sitting and discussing how and when the poor lady died, what she had fro breakfast, what she had for dinner, how she said hi to everyone who passed by, how she ate, etc etc and her dearest daughter crying out loud. I walked in with a garland , surprised that there was no garland put already and held the daughter's hand. Poor lady, she said how the old lady remembered my name in the last days just because she felt like talking about the ill effects SW industry has on a female's body and how my lifestyle has led to my obesity! I mean...WHATT? It was okay that she discussed all this, but it was not at all okay that its re-discussed in front of 50 odd people of which I dint even know 50% :!!!! I just nodded and cursed my mom bigtime!

I walked out to see a couple of people who I had met eons back asking me my salary my role etc etc. I am like, helloooooooooooo there's a death thats happened in the family and why do you want to know about my salary? are you going to ask for donations based on the CTC? Again, politely avoiding these conversations, i sat in one corner of the varendah and started waiting for my parents to arrive when I heard the converation of the daughter with her son. The son is my age and a non-smiling person, for reason unknown he never smiles much. " Pedda golusu naakey...maa amma nagalu anni nakemoddu, koddlley chuskunnaru kadha vallaney theesko manu kaani pedda golusu naakey" (translation: My mom's big necklace is mine. I dont want any other of my mom's jewellery. the daughter-in-laws only looked after her na, they can divide the rest of jewellery amongst themselves, but the big necklace is undoubteldy mine). For some reason, I laughed out loud! Poor grandmom, good that she died...or else, if she had heard this she would have died twice! :(

At this pecise moment, she has already been cremated and the big heads of the family (yes, heads only without hearts!) are in a meeting to discuss how the money that she left should be divided, who will get what and how much. She died at 10:30 AM and its not even 10:30 PM.

May she RIP!

Panipuri - an Introduction to perfection in food design.

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Panipuri - an Introduction to perfection in food design.

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The Curse of Knowledge

On one sunny day in this wintry weather, sitting at home and surprised and happy at my dad’s curiosity and thirst for knowledge on learning computer (Knowledge is DiWine!! Hahaha), amidst lots of chaos, I tried to help him learn the basic activity we all are so very dependent on, checking email!! I told him, how to open internet explorer and where to type the address, where to type the user name and password, demoed it for him once and asked him to show me how to do it without my help.

Dad was excited. I stood back, watching him. He opened the window all right, and alas, typed his username in the explorer window instead of www.gmail.com. I was patient. After all he is new to all this. I helped him again and when for the fourth time in a span of 30 minutes, he again did the same, I was frustrated. I mean, how can people not know this simple task? How can they forget what they did just five minutes back? Am I bad at teaching or is dad bad at learning? Were my instructions so unclear? Dammit, I am supposed to be good at giving (rather writing!) instructions, that’s my job!! Dad gave me a guilty look, I felt pity for the old man. Its okay dad, u will learn slowly…there is plenty of time. This was all I managed to say.

In a similar scenario, I was trying to teach my grandpa how to use his mobile phone. (Yes people, I always end up teaching someone or the other!! Its in my blood!! My mom was a teacher for 19 years!! ) that phone was a very basic model unlike the latest gadgeted phones that we all own nowadays. So basic that it did not even have an MP3 player or a radio!! (shoot!! Isn’t that the most basic then??). I kept teaching him how to check missed calls and how to check his messages, when he suddenly gave me a weird look and asked me where I learnt all this. “ Summi, you never had a mobile phone or a computer, how did you learn so much that you are working on them now??” I was taken aback, but then, I smiled and told him, that you just need to know and understand English to understand how to use something, its as simple as that!! I also told him, that’s what I do to earn. I translate tough procedures into simple English and help people like him understand how to use something. We got back to making him learn how to use his mobile phone.

I am considered tech savvy in my family. I am crazy about gadgets. They make life easier, don’t they?? When I take my laptop to show movies to my kid over the weekend, I am admonished by my mom that I am spoiling my kid with all this technology. For me, someone who types with a single finger on the keyboard is a criminal. People who don’t know that there are two types of clicks that you can do with a mouse, are ignorant like hell!! People who can’t differentiate between a pop-up window and a page do not deserve to use computers at all. I cannot imagine users of Internet not understanding how to disable a popup blocker or not knowing how to do a simple task, like checking emails!! I am stunned at users who double-click when they should single-click, or who single-click when they should double-click. I am surely cursed, with the curse of knowledge. I know so much that I cannot imagine others not knowing it. I write for myself and not for my end-users because of this curse.

I tend to take things like installing freeware on my machine for granted. What’s the big deal in that, I just have to click “Next” in 3-4 windows and the software in installed. Call it my overconfidence or non-confidence in the user manuals, I never check the user manual before starting using something new. I am too proud and too intelligent (am i??) to admit that I cant figure something out by myself and need some “technical writer” to tell me how to use my oven!! Comeon, I have been cooking since I was a kid, what’s the big deal?? All this is due to my curse of knowledge.

Curse of knowledge: The More You Know, the Worse You Become At Communicating That Knowledge. Yes, and I admit I am facing it now. Be it a UI review of an application, be it thinking like my end-users, empathizing with them, and writing for my audience in their language or keeping it short and sweet, its tough for me not to be a technical writer and just be an end-user and write a manual, or a user guide. How difficult is it to be back to basic, unlearn all that you have learnt about English grammar and write for an audience based in America and again switch back to British users and write in a flowery language? Trust me, its tough!!

We get carried away with explaining things when we know a lot about a subject. Ask a developer a simple question like what’s the difference between front end and back end, and I am sure he/she will go into depth about it, not considering the simple fact whether the person who is listening is technically challenged or not!! Technically challenged, as in physically challenged, as in, people like me!! We take our listener, the seeker of knowledge for granted, we think he/she will understand whatever we say because he/she asked a question on our subject. I am sure most of us have had such kind of experiences in the meetings that we attend!! I am not an exception though! ask me about something I am good at, my subject, and I am in my own halo of knowledge, explaining as if I will never meet the person who has asked me the question again, and as if its 2012 and the world is going to end in 5 minutes and that’s what I am left with to explain!! 

Yes people, Without us knowing, we are all cursed with the curse of knowledge!! How we break away from from it, I leave it to you people to decide!!

Disclaimer: I picked up the phrase “The Curse of Knowledge” from Tom Johnson’s blog www.idratherbewriting.com. He states he picked it from the book “Made to Stick- Why Some Ideas Survive and Others Die” by Chip and Dan Heath.

The Ice-Breaker

This blog is about the I-called ice breaking ceremony!! Ceremony? Ice breaking?? Gosh, what am I talking about?? Nothing really, I meant to talk about this one “official” interaction I had with my never-made-it-to-my-future husband. All my attas and others had insisted, I marry him, and as usual, being the blacksheep of the family and also wanting to teach them a lesson, I rejected but anyway prepared for the saga.

Just to give a lil background on this tradition, its called “pellichupulu” in telugu and literally translates into Marriage Looks and transliterally (whatever that means!!) translates into an age-old tradition of the guy coming with his family to see a girl whom he can marry if he likes, in the girls home, in front of the girls family (and also if the family is communicative enough, in front of the whole neighborhood) and saying “yes” or “no” to the girl. Added advantages (of course to the guy!!) are, free snacks and drinks, lots of attention and free looking at other prospective girls in the family (spare and to be on the safer side huh!!)

This guy* *Name kept confidential to protect privacy* was the typical US-returned guy, carrying a mineral water bottle in his hands all the times, sneering at how dirty India was and also did a comparative analysis of how America is far better than India. I came across him a couple of times in various functions and poojas, getting all the attention (which of course he got cos he was the most eligible bachelor in the whole town being US-RETURNED!). Maybe he thought we were uneducated or maybe we deliberately put up that image, I am not sure, but he definitely thought he was the most-educated of the lot, not only his lot, i.e. the men, but also our lot, the girls!! We whispered about his put-up accent behind his back and laughed of course unknown to the elders as it was ill-manners!

One day, dad asked me to stay home and not go anywhere as he was expecting someone whom I wanted to meet. Stay home? On a Sunday? Godd!!

“Dad, what’s wrong with you? I have a rummy match with my friends!! I have to go and get novels that prashanth got from his uncle!! Need to meet neetha and plan for her upcoming bday!! Noways!! I am NOT staying!!”

“All this can wait!! They are someone very important!!”

“Okay!! But u have to drop me off at neetha’s once they go!! *hope these people go off soon*”

“K, Hurry up and get dressed, wear that half saree you wore for the SeethaRaama Kalyanam”

“Half saree? Daddy, please gimme a break!! I won’t!”

“You have to, they are coming because the guy wants to meet you and if everything goes well you will be married to him.”

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOm

I WAS SHELL-SHOCKED. I am just 23, what’s the hurry?? I don’t want to get married now!!*Noooooooooooooooooooo!!**&%^*&^(!(*!&*!&!*(&!*

“Okay, dad!! Can I talk and say no if I don’t like him??”

Of course you can darling!! I won’t force you if you don’t want to, you know that right??”

Then anyways I am going to say no, so please cancel this #^$%$%%%!

Mom: Shut up!! Go and get ready!! And you please don’t start this freedom and liberty business again! You already spoilt her enough!!

Sunday, morning 11 AM

Characters: Dad, Mom, FFIL, FMIL, FSIL (mom already started the guy’s father as my kaboye mamagaru (future father-in-law, FFIL and the guy’s mother as my kaboye attagaru (future mother-in-law) and the guy as kaboye Alludu (future son-in-law). For convenience we will call them FFIL, FMIL, and FSIL), and me. (And the whole neighborhood, who will be mute spectators to the whole drama)

Living Room:

Dad: Please come in!! How are you? Did you find it difficult to find our house?

FFIL: Not at all, my son has this great gadget on his mobile, whats that ra?? Some googly maps or something and we could trace your house within seconds. What technology na?? My son knows all such things a lot, IIT na!!

FMIL: Is this your own house? How old is it?

Dad: No, it’s a company quarter. Our own house is in Hyderabad.

FFIL, FMIL, FSIL: Good!!

FFIL: This is my wife and my son.

FMIL, FSIL: Namaste

Dad: Calls my mom, this is my wife and my son.

Mom, bro: Namaste, please make yourselves comfortable.

Bedroom:

Me: what the hell!! Isn’t that the US returned guy? Shit!! God please!! Hope he never heard my quips!!

Some aunty: The guy is so handsome eh! Ur jodi will be very good!! How much price are they on? (by price she meant, how much is the guy going to take as dowry)

I gave her one of the most scathing looks

Some other aunty: wear some flowers on your hair na! You will look like a female! *now what does she mean by that??*

Me: I am allergic to jasmines, so forget it aunty!!

Living room:

FMIL: Don’t u have AC? Its so hot!! We have AC at our home. You know how sensitive my son is to the heat, US returned na? Can’t take the heat!!

Dad: Someone, put on the cooler, sorry andi, we don’t have AC!!

FFIL: so, what kind of work do you do? (And the conversation went on)

I saw the guy getting restless and trying to catch glimpses of what was going on inside.

FSIL: so what do you do man? (To my bro)

Bro: I am studying

FSIL: STILL??

Bro: I am just 17 *u expect me to pull bullock carts*

FSIL: Oh!! You don’t look like you are 17! BTW, how much did your sis study? 10^th or inter??

Bro: well, you better ask that question to her *A##%^&** wait till you talk to her!!*

FSIL: Okay!! Why don’t u go and ask her to come??

Bro: Sure!!*Saaley!! I will tell this to her and then you r done with*

Bedroom:

Mom: come here and take these snacks to them!

Me: Mom, how come you made alu bajjis for them while you never make them for me! Change the snacks!

Mom: shut up and take this tray, smile and keep your head down! Don’t laugh your stupid high-pitched laughter if u feel like it! Just smile and behave like a female (Oh my!!)

Me: what’s his name?

Mom: ******

Okay

Bro: Akka! He asked me if you studied 10^th or managed to finish Inter!

Me: What did you tell him? *Bugger*

Bro: I said ask her yourself!

Me: Good *wink*

Living Room:

Dad: This is my daughter.

Me: Namaste andi!!

FMIL, FFIL: Namaste amma! Please sit down! (Ah! Asking me to sit in my own house!!)

FSIL: Hi, My name is Blah

Me: Hello, how are you doing?

Dad: I would like to show you my garden, I love gardening you see!!

FFLI, FMIL: Sure, let’s leave these two alone!!

Exit.

FSIL: I saw you at the temple a few days back! U wore the same dress!

Me: Oh! *smile*

FSIL: so tell me. Do you know how to cook chicken?

Me: Whatt?? No I don’t! I know how to cook Maggie though!! *you are thinking of making me cook chicken for you?*

FSIL: Oh! *disappointment* don’t worry, I will teach you!

Me: *What are you? Cook in some hotel?* Smile

FSIL: You want to study further? I have no problem with that!!

Me: study how further? *didn’t you guys do a background check on me?*

FSIL: Degree maybe?

Me: why did u decide to marry me?

FSIL: coz I liked you?

ME: Why?

FSIL: what does that mean?

Me: exact reason please?

FSIL: you are beautiful that’s y and you match my expectations of a good wife

Me: that’s all??

FSIL: for now, that’s all!!

Me: What else do you know about me?

FSIL: Nothing!Y don’t you tell me?

Me: Do u have this misconception about all the girls in general or particularly about me?

FSIL: *clueless*, what are you talking about?

Me: studying further!

FSIL: Oh? That? No, I heard from someone!

Me: I am a PG in Forensic Science. I am already pursuing my PHD.

FSIL: *shock* *white-face* But they dint tell me that!!

Me: They? Who are they?

FSIL: Nothing!! Hobbies?

Me: Not many, surfing, mountaineering, reading and writing!!

FSIL: wooooooooooo *surprised*

Me: and you?

FSIL: I party and go out a lot with friends!

Me: so u still want to marry me?

FSIL: Yes!!

Me: what do you plan to do after you marry me?

FSIL: AS in? *wink*

Me: as in, do u want me to come along with you to the US or stay with your parents and then you will come back and settle down here?

FSIL: settle down here? Are you mad? No way, I plan to take you to US and eventually my parents also will come

Me: Okay!

FSIL: So you will marry me?

Me: Can I take some time??

FSIL *clearly confident that it’s a yes* Sure!!

Me: thanks

Exit

Dad: thanks for coming by!

FFIL, FMIL: No problem bavagaru!! We will tell you our opinion in a few days!

Mom: sure andi! Please call!

Bro: Bye!!

FSIL, FMIL AND FFIL: Bye

Exit

Dad: So??

Me: No

Mom: Whatt?? You are lucky to get such a good match! Are you out of your senses??

Me: I said NO

Bro: Akka said No, so it’s a NO for me too!!

Me: Thanks ra!!he plans to take me to the US after marriage , I don’t want to go leaving you and everyone and stay there like a loner!

Dad: but,

Mom: but,

Me: you want me to be happy? Then let’s not talk about it!

Bro: Akka, rummy match?

Me: chalo, lets go!!

Thus ended my saga! I heard that they guy was very particular to marry me and sent messengers thrice, but my dad said no and eventually the messengers stopped coming!!

Ammulu...and hot summer

Men in My Life

Men in my Life

This blog is dedicated to another blogger whom I do not follow lest, I lose the charm in her writing by following her! Her name is The Iyengar chick but she is a very mature woman and in no way what people call a “chick” (Arrey em kodipilla Boss!! Masthugundhi kadha??) BTW, Kodipilla is the direct translation of Chick into Telangana Telugu (I swear by my own conscience that I would not use Andhra Telugu at any cost in writing, reading or speaking).

Now coming to the title of this blog, I PLAIGARIZED the title from Kushwanth singh’s Man and Women in My life and got inspired to write a book on the same lines, but, I ultimately decided that I do not have the time to write a full book , so ended up writing this blog. Welcome to Sowmya!! The Lazy Energetic (What a stupid contradiction!!!LOL)

Well, for obvious reasons, Daddy comes first!! My daddy is the most handsome guy that I ever met and will be the same!! I am an out and out daddy’s girls and manage to talk to him for hours together opposite to a 2/3 minute conversation with Mom over the phone. And I think there’s a gene that runs in the family, my daughter also is an out and out Daddy’s girl, the only difference being, she calls her father “Nanna”. And like all fathers, he is caring, understanding and considerate and I think I am like this, because of him….Dad, I love ya!!

Then comes my brother! Potti, U rock!! I know you got ur study skills and intelligence from me but the way you handle things is something you must’ve got from a totally different branch of our family tree (How surprising!!). He can kill you with his smile, put you to sleep with his songs and impress you with conversations on anything and everything. A complete Man……waiting for that incomplete woman…no offence meant ladies, none can be so perfect to match my bro!!

Hmm, for reasons unknown, I want to mention, my school mates…(Guys, I know u want to kill me for that statement but….when I say unknown, I mean there are so many reasons that people who read this blog will get bored!!) To name a few would be a discrimination of others, so I wouldn’t name any one right here…(Anyone wants to confirm if they fall into this category can contact me..u know where I work, you know where I live, you even have my phone numbers..feel free people!) They taught me everything from wonderfully dirty bad words to scare opponents off their minds to living life to the fullest and being ready to face anything in life…each one of them in a role model to me in one or the other way.

My teachers err…Sirs! When I say I am a die hard fan of Ayn Rand and she influenced me the most in my forming years, I would say, that’s coz of Mr.Pushparaj (our PET), when I say I am an ardent reader that’s because of Mr. Shiv Kumar (Library sir), who gave me books against the rules of the school everyday to take home so that I could read how much ever I wanted. All my sirs, Nagireddy Sir, GN Prasad sir, Yadagiri Sir, Ramesh Togarwar sir..Laxminarayana Sir, everybody……I will write a separate blog to all my teachers and sirs…….coz describing them so shortly is not fair!!

My relatives-, cousin brothers, uncles, pednannas, mammayyas and my grandparents….close knitted family huh?? Yeah and I am proud to be a CHAKILAM CHICK!! (Sorry AIC!!) I connect to everyone in one way or the other!! I have one trait from each of them be it a positive one or a negative one!! CHAKILAM COCKS (No pun intended!!) Rock and Roll oooops, Rule!!!

My colleagues at work….well, a male-dominated society so a male-dominated team, but, I should admit that they are not that kind at all!! You can be professional always, yet have good fun, they teach things that would put management schools to shame, they are chivalric (who said western culture is bad? Chivalry is from the west isn’t it?), they are helpful and very cool (liquid nitrogen to be specific!!) Men in my team….you are super-cool, ubersexual, amazing colleagues and I am lucky to have you!!(Have you?? For dinner, lunch or breakfast?? NOT NECESSSARILY IN THAT ORDER)

Yes, I did not forget you but writing about you in this small blog will not satisfy me(or you!!) in anyway. So I will write a book about you and all your love for me and all my love for you!! Ooops, that was that answer to my darling husband, over the phone. Nowadays I am so very influenced by writing stuff that I typed in what I was saying while I said that (multi-tasking poooooooh)!!

Ciaooooooooo

The Three Mistakes of my Life

When I first heard about Chetan writing his third book, I anticipated a success..not that I like his other books but I found them witty and close to reality. He has let me down once again and maybe for the last time coz I am not going to read one more book of his. I am not a critic or I am not someone whose verdict can be taken into account but I have recently certified myself as an intelligent person(coz noone else did!) and I find such books not upto my mind's standards. Mind? did I say that? Or should I say heart? Did u know that there is no English word for Manasu(in Telugu) or Mann(in Hindi) and people wrote so many damn big stories and movies and poems and what not about it. Maybe the word is "Soul", but does it really exist? A soul? Are people who call themselves lovers soulmates? Are couples who have been married for the past half a century soulmates?
Science has not proved the existence of a soul as it has not proved the existence of a supernatural power called God. Well if a soul doesnt exist where do soulmates come from? Someone had asked me why I am an atheist and since when? I am too damn intelligent and dumb at the same time to answer such a question. What do all intellectuals talk about? Politics? Books? God? Who are there men or women actually? Who is their brand ambassador? Vivekananda? people suggested that I read Vivekananda to keep myself happy. But, I love talking nonsense to a friend rather than talking sense to an intellectual? So should I read his books and preachings just because he seemed to have read a whole page at one single glance?And is branded as wise? Lots of questions and no answers...”An answer cannot satisfy a fool's question” is my latest quote. U need something beyond an answer to satisfy a fool (like me!) and whats that? I dont know..u wise people tell me and try satisfying me...